Memory is such a wonderful and sometimes awful faculty to possess. But, good and bad, they remain locked in our brain either bringing pleasure or pain. Sometimes the best of memories go horribly wrong and we are blind sided with awfulness. My wife and I were 4 months pregnant with Joshua John. We celebrated the pregnancy every day with plans, room painting, clothing and other baby purchases and even put baby locks on the cabinets. We bought a used crib and painted a nice "boy" color. We told everyone every nuisance of our lives with the future Joshua John. Then at 4 months we went to a check up. Joshua John hadn't been moving. We were told he had died. Devastated doesn't even touch my feelings and lack of feelings. We went to the hospital to "have" our baby. They called it an abortion. Not to me. Several weeks later I finally stopped sobbing and "losing it" at every recollection. Today I cannot read my journal of that time as the pain is still too much. I asked God to let me see Joshua John one day and to my amazement God did just that while I was in prayer. A window into heaven opened and there he was! It's still overwhelming...to sad but I'm happy he is with Jesus.
I shared this with you because he told me to. It's private (no longer) and painful. I'm guessing that someone needed to hear this snippet of my memory...maybe for themselves. Of all the painful memories I have; it's mixed with the most blessed of happiness! It's difficult for me to put into words. We would love to only have good memories. Doesn't happen that way. What we do with memories is important. About 5 months after this awful day I was in my counseling office with a new very pregnant woman. She had come to me to discuss her wonderful/awful situation. She was 8 months pregnant and had learned that her baby had died. All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. Having been there and done that my own wonderful/awful memory was exactly what God showed me she needed. Ever been there when it was necessary for your story to help someone else? No one wants to walk alone with wonderful/awful inside of themselves. With God we are never alone. But, I'm human and I want, I need physical company to listen, sit, share, pray.
I remember another day. October 1, 1972 to be exact. I was in a terrible place in my life, alone in Europe after my best friend was killed in an accident. I was on guard duty and having a loaded pistol at my side decided to end all of the misery that was Steve. I was up in the guard tower, pistol out, loaded and ready on the desk. Didn't know it at the time but God was there prompting me to remember a book I had once read: "Death be not Proud". I don't remember the author. In this book the main character made up the "unbeliever's prayer." All I could remember was the first few words: "God if you are out there..." I felt the cold tower room warm supernaturally and felt a hand on my left shoulder. He was there. I wept for my condition and asked Jesus into my heart. The awful/wonderful memory was made. I was and am a changed man. My memory of my first Love is all that matters when the smoke clears and I'm left standing on the battlefield of life. I remember because He can use my memories to help others heal...and maybe more. Jesus was acquainted with sorrow, pain and yes, He did it in remembrance of my lost soul. Jesus loved me first. I made a choice to love Him. Anything less would not matter. It's always your choice.
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