That is part of the problem "I" was thinking. You would think that I've learned from my mistakes over time. Not necessarily true. Sometimes I just don't understand why I think, say and do. However, I am unable to turn those 3 off. They are what they are. That doesn't mean that the three are not modifiable. They are. I just have to want to or be sick enough of them to actually do something about them. It's not as easy as not eating your vegetables if you don't like them. These changes are full environmental changes that rock everyone's world. Being your own person, though necessary, changes your relationships. Sometimes the change we make in ourselves is the deciding factor in who are our friends. For some it also involves family. Taking them out of the equation is very costly. While your boss might be able to tolerate your brilliant pink hair, your mom and dad probably won't.
Now, at my age, I can look back on my life and choices over the years. It's enough to drive anyone over the edge. I look nothing like the high school graduate from 1971. I'm not talking about my looks. Specifically the man Steve. Though I've gone through many changes in my life, it would be nice if someone would wake me when the change is done. No longer the chubby boy stressed in what should have been a fat, dumb and happy world. No longer the scape goat for so many. No longer needing external validation from classmates, family and friends. Yes, I have changed and the dues of which have been staggering in some areas of my life. Learning and telling yourself the truth will do that to you. At least it has done it for me.
Sometimes the changes have come that left m head spinning. In October 1, 1972 I reached the end of one of my numerous ropes and became a Christian. It's difficult today to "see" the old Steve. Much of him is dead and the rest is dying. Dying to self takes as long as there is resistance to the death. This death can take the rest of your life. Some areas are immediately changed while other areas are stubborn and won't go down without a fight. In either case, the change will rock your world and those worlds (others) interacting with you. The changes might be the change of a vocation. Some of my classmates from high school were destined to college and greatness. They ended up young fathers and married men and women. To say the changes were huge in their lives is putting it very mildly.
My world was much more interesting though. Where others just began their lives after high school my world changes had begun at my earliest memory and have been with me until even today. Tomorrow I will probably be perfect. We will just have to wait and see. When understanding the changes in our lives, looking for motivating factors is of major importance. Where once I was just reacting to stimuli, now I make the stimuli by which change is initiated and processed. Yes, I actually look for problems (lots of help from the Lord and good friends/family) now and find lots of problems. These in turn keep me busy and for the most part I don't have time to compare myself to others. It's a pointless exercise anyway.
With some of the changes (very important ones) the cost was high. Even though I've invited some to come with me to where the changes were taking me; they chose not to come along. It's a journey for one. Life. What to do? It's as important as the importance we put on it. If I get to the place where a decision has to be made, I need to make that decision. Putting things on the back burner isn't an option today as it once was. The older we get (those of us who journey) the more pressing it becomes to make the changes and move on with life. The more we make changes the less the number of people who choose to come along on the journey. Where once you had quite a number of friends and very few acquaintances, now there are few friends and more acquaintances. It's okay, that is the way it's supposed to be.
So, just what was I thinking. I was thinking that I don't want to be like the old man I once was. I don't want to settle for status quo. I certainly don't want to "settle" for something less than what I really want. I was thinking that there must be something better than what I had and where I was. As I aged I came to realize that my journey belonged to me and not anyone else. If I didn't take my journey there would be no one to blame but myself. I also thought about the end of my life and what I wanted to leave as a legacy. My academic degrees didn't measure up, my choice of living here or there didn't contribute and there were less "others" and more of God in the equation. Without which I wouldn't be on journey at all.
There comes a time in all of our lives where we have the choice of moving forward or staying where we are. Neither choice is wrong. Listening to and experiencing to others is important. Trying to understand what I was thinking and what you are thinking are paramount to maintaining whatever we decide our lives to be. Understand that there is a calling on each of our lives from God. Jesus wants us to be fulfilled and abandoning of our past selves. There are plenty of changes to engage the journey that leads to ultimate fulfillment. Why not start thinking and move out of the box? Good luck and Gods blessing.
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