Friday the 13th hadn't bothered me until June 13, 2009. That Friday I went into surgery for repairs to my right shoulder. In the process of transferring me from gurney to operating table I was dropped between the two. The attendants grabbed the belt around my torso to prevent my hitting the floor. In so doing (unknown to anyone) the disc between T11 and T12 was damaged. During the surgery I was put in a "beach chair" position partially sitting up. Five and a half hours later I was returned to recovery only to learn upon waking of an incredible sharp pain to my mid back. Becoming more fully awake I was suddenly struck with the awareness that I was paralyzed from the waist down. Friday the 13th hasn't made me superstitious. Friday the 13th has been an event that traumatized me and inflicted yet another event in my listed PTSD events. I've been able to recover most of my body function but some residual permanent damage remains. So, when Friday the 13th comes up in any month, I remember. That's what fears implant in you; memories.
There have been lots of fears over the span of my 62 years. I was and am still extremely fearful of spiders. Yuck! For a season I was afraid of black cats lurking in the dark even though there were none around where I lived. Because of physical and emotional abuse as a child my fears of others who were in authority became a permanent memory. Being sexually abused rendered my fears of being loved appropriately (whatever that was). There were years when I wasn't traumatized for which I am thankful. Most of my memories no longer have fear attached. They are still fact but not controlling of my life. Okay, except for spiders! When my Friday the 13th trauma comes up I sometimes still feel he fear that gripped me that day in recovery. My perception of acceptance and approval sometimes suffer along with my perception of love and being loved. These remain but diminish over the years. Expectations that people will be loving, accepting and approving have been trashed by so many over so many years. Yet, I still come into relationships expecting to be treated with respect; for people to do their best all the time, and for me to do the same.
I don't have a fear of God. He is God and he loves me, accepts me and approves of me just as I am. He doesn't like it when I sin but he doesn't traumatize me in any way, shape or form. There is a "respect" fear I have for God. It's where I realize that I don't want to disappoint, fail or go against the God who sent his Son so that I could live without condemnation. The "healthy" fear is good for me and those involved in my life. Wanting to please God creates a desire to be who He has created me to be with others. The willingness was born out of wanting to be loved and not out of the fear of going to hell. Some may come to Christ out of that fear; I did not. Over the years I've found myself in some areas and have other areas to discover. Letting God show you who you are in his eyes is an even approached with fear and trembling. Why? Because he created me. Because he knows me. Because he loves me. Because he has a plan and a purpose for me. Mankind does not.
Driven by our fears immobilize us and render us unable to share Jesus. We become so consumed by our fears that we cannot show fearlessness to the world as Jesus did. He wants to do that through you and I. He wants us to be free from fears and full of him. Then the Scripture "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" can be fulfilled. It's my choice and it's your choice.
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