As a therapist working
with a group of men, I once gave the assignment for them to answer the
question, “Who am I?” The instructions I
gave them included putting themselves in the place where everything they hold
dear in their lives was gone. Spouse,
parents, children, car, dog, everything gone.
I asked them to think again about anything else that needed to be
eliminated so that they could honestly answer the question. If everything in your life that you put any
value on is gone; what would be left?
That would by the real you. This
was a very difficult assignment and the men came back at the next session and
asked more clarifying questions. I
answered their questions but would not budge on the homework. The following week they came into group a
different group of men. I asked them to
read aloud their answers to the group.
During each one many of the men cried silently. The hurt and loneliness so real you could
feel it in the air. This was the same
homework I had done many years earlier with my therapist. The day I read it in front of him and wept I
knew there was a lot of work ahead of me.
The phrase “be yourself” was a transient phrase that had a past, was
living in the now and was unknown in the future. The question for me and for the men was one
that would propel us to finding out who we were. This exercise would open a door as we asked
ourselves if we wanted to remain as we were, static as we are or changed as we
would become. Perhaps you have wrestled
with this question. Perhaps you are
wrestling with this question. Perhaps
you have settled the question. Maybe the
work is only partially done, and you have lost your way. If you have settled the question you are no
longer internally irritable. Why? Because there is inner peace that given space
increases over time. It’s like slowly
being invaded by a good friend.
So, who are you? Why is it important to know the answer to
this question? If you don’t know the
answer to the question you most likely are living at least part of your life on
other people’s expectations. I was
sitting with a friend of mine one day and he was lamenting the annual family
gathering at the “old home.” This
activity used up his vacation every year as he was expected to be there. His wife and kids didn’t like to go for their
various reasons. I suggested he make
other plans this year. His answer was a
loud “NO!” When he had calmed down he
said not going was out of the question.
The ramifications of those in the family who had attended would be
heaped upon him and his family every day of the entire next year. They WOULD be expected to be back in the fold
the following year with apology in hand.
I’m thinking he was a bit irritated.
He knew he was. This is not
love. This is not even like.
Just as there was an Aunt who was
responsible for this and an uncle that was responsible for that, there were
positions and jobs for everyone in the family.
There were EXPEXTATIONS placed on each family or family member at the
reunion. They stayed together on the
farm in the house, tents and trailers alongside RV’s. Food and drink were plentiful but only what
the family had imbibed in the past. Am I
telling anyone else’s story here? Is
this ringing true for you? Did you get
examined and questioned to make sure you were still good enough for the rest of
the family? Did you dare bring a new
recipe to the dinner table?
Did it matter to anyone who you
were? Did it matter to anyone who you
were away from the family? Did they even
want to know your future plans? Free to
be me? I don’t think so. Free to not have this laid on my wife and
kids? Not at all. Did the wife and kids complain all the way
there and remain silent all the way home?
Was it a fun vacation? Did your
cousins embarrass you yet again in front of your kids and you did nothing?
The Bible tells us to “train up your
children in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart
from it.” This is not a good time to argue
with Grandma about the Scripture. She
gets quite irritated you know. Grandpa
tells you to just leave her and it alone.
He wants what peace there is in silence.
Did we train them good enough to pass the inspection? Was there any praise for you little girl who
was an honor student or was the family so full of shock over the clothes she
wore that they didn’t even hear? Your
son was a soccer hero for his team? Why
wasn’t baseball good enough for him? It
was good enough for the other men in the family. Your wife’s job is great! What?
She is working out of the home?
Who is there for the kids when she’s not there? You, dad/son/grandson, are the homemaker now
because she can earn more money than you?
What do you need more money for?
You want to tell them so that you can pay for the family reunion. But you don’t. Everyone is smiling on the outside and
irritated on the inside.
So, who are you? Who tells you who you are? Did you have a “job” in the family? Mine was to take my dad’s anger. No one else wanted the job and I had no
choice. I quit my job when I was
36. The position doesn’t pay beans, and
no one wants to apply for the job.
Perhaps there are people in your life (family, friends, jobs, bosses,
and the government to name a few) who not only want you within a certain box
but expect you to stay inside of the box.
Color between the lines and never color a cow purple! Never!
More irritation. The irritation
seems to come at you and me from all directions and most of the time uninvited. At least I don’t invite irritation. Okay, some of the time but not very often
anymore. The world (previously listed)
tell you to go and “be yourself”. They
don’t mean it. It’s a token statement to
take care of an obligation they don’t really believe in.
Do you want to know who you are?
What do you mean it doesn’t irritate you
that much?
Just stay with me a bit and we can see
what those two words really mean. There
won’t be a test afterword, and no one will be evaluated. Any examination given will be by the Holy
Spirit and you on your time table. It’s
a scary expedition we go on. However, we
do want to know how to live with ourselves.
Doing so shouldn’t be so hard and complicated. Jesus didn’t promise us complex or
impossible. Let’s take it nice and
easy. Grab a cup of tea or coffee and a
cookie or two and relax. It’s okay to
get coffee, tea or cookies on the book.
It doesn’t matter. Take a few
slow breaths and try to relax. See,
aren’t you doing much better already?
God tells us that he will not put on us anything we cannot bear and that
if there is too much he will make the way out.
I love back doors!
I must confess that I have secrets. Yes, it’s true. But then we all do. Jesus knows ALL my secrets and those close to
me know most of them. The secrets are in
my past. They are in the alleyways in my
mind and rarely bother me anymore. Okay,
sometimes they do. Secrets are neither
good nor bad. They are secrets. Things that need not be known by others. We as a people tend to villianize
secrets. What does he/she have to
hide? Busy bodies want to know so that
they can evaluate whether we are better or worse from them. Most busy bodies want the person or people to
be worse than them. If they aren’t a
practice called character assignation is necessary to evoke. Why can’t people just leave one another
alone? We can be at peace with our secrets,
but others won’t be most likely because they aren’t at peace with their
secrets. My secrets cannot hurt me
anymore as they have no more power over me.
I have a personal history. Most of it died as time went on. However, there are those who want my history
front and center so that I can be used as an example. It’s no wonder his kids turned out like they
did! Like secrets, history is something
that people seem to cling to when they feel threatened or insecure in who they
are. People seem to miss out that I have
positive as well as negative history. I
wonder why that is. You have a personal
history also. Some of it known and some of
it secret. Perhaps you are the only one
who knows THAT secret! Do secrets and
history make up who you are? I don’t
think so. They had a place in training
you to be who you are today. However,
they did not play that big of a part.
I have fears. Yes, it’s true. I’m afraid of spiders. Terrified!
So bad that my wife must kill spiders that are anywhere near me. I don’t think there was any good reason to
create spiders and have told God so. He
disagrees. Something needs to eat the
flies. Great, I should move to a place
where there are no flies. I have other
fears as well. Ones that may not strike
your funny bone or you Achilles tendon.
Fear has been a first response in me and for me from my very first
memory. My life was based on fear and history
and secrets. Maybe you too have a life
script written around these three? If
you do you are with good company.
Secrets, history and fears keep you from
trying to find yourself. And you cannot
be yourself unless you let go of the secrets, history and fears. Quite the daunting task for everyone I
know. I also know that going through the
journey gives you peace and freedom. You
will get as much relief as you give. Go
at the task without reality will lead to defeat. Many have begun a work only to abandon the
task when the going got tough. That’s
right, I quit a few times too. This is a
time to be gentle with yourself. Jesus
is always gentle with us. It’s the
nature of goodness and grace that leads us through the desert. Being gentle and graceful is a part of who
you are. Give yourself permission to be forgiving of your past. Take the power of who you are back. The past has nothing to do with who you are
now.
There is fact and then there is what
others say is fact. We have been fed
information from our conception forward.
Some of it was fact and the rest were what others say is fact. Information abounds in this technical
age. You can hop on the internet and get
information on pretty much anything you can think of. Here is the fact: sometimes the internet information is what
others say the fact is. It’s a lie. Simple if you ask me. Treat everything as a lie until it’s proven
to be a real fact. That’s what I did
with Jesus for years. Taunting him with
my futile taunts. He knew I would do
that. He also knew when I would give
up. Not on Him but on me and my
life. What are the facts in his mind? We need only read in the Bible that we were
knit together by the hand of God in our mother’s womb. It also says that He knows the content of
every day of our lives before we were conceived. In Revelation he tells us that whoever
overcomes will be given a new name. The
first Biblical reference was in Psalms.
He knew me before I was conceived….
Then in revelation He gives me a new name. What happened in between? Well, we were born, and our parents gave us a
name and a life they called “fact.” I
want the name that God had for me before I was conceived. I believe that that name is the one I will
receive when I enter his presence. Maybe
it will be Steven. I just don’t know.
Using this example, we can have
confidence that God does indeed know who we are. He also knows what we have been defined by in
this world. He has wept with you even as
he has wept with me. He has laughed with
you and me even when we weren’t laughing!
He knows our past and erased all the sin. It’s gone.
Jesus went further than that. He died on the cross not only for my past
sin but also my present sin and future sin.
Wow! So, who is the downer
reminding us who they think we are? They
aren’t from God. I don’t care what
church they go to. I don’t care who they
are in society. I don’t care what they
think you owe them. All they want is to
keep you in slavery. Jesus equals
freedom. The past equals prison. Hmmmm…choices choices. What are you going to do? Okay, this is where you don’t need to be a
rocket scientist to make the good informed choice based on real fact. Choose Jesus.
Choosing Jesus means letting go of the
secrets, the history and fears. When you
let them go, you will encounter the “you” that God made. The one he intended you to be before time
began and intends you to be when time ends.
This is not about being in therapy for the rest of your life. It’s also not about alienating everyone who
isn’t joining you on your journey.
Neither is it about quitting your job and joining a commune outside of
New York City. Yes, there are several
out there. You don’t need to disappear
and “start over” somewhere. Whatever
that means. I’ve discovered that
wherever I am, my mind has come along.
You cannot escape the past as it is part of your memory. You can have victory over it. The control can be released. Freedom can be had. When everything is removed from your life
that you care about; what is left.
When I was contemplating this question, I
had been a Christian for at least 10 years at the time. I knew Jesus had saved me. That was never the question. The question was; who was I in the world I
lived in. Who was I as a dad, husband,
friend, sibling and whatever else there was. I didn’t know the fact
answer. I only knew what those others
had told me were facts. Some were, and
some weren’t. Jesus never left me
wondering who I was in Him. Wrestling in
the world with this issue brought me frustration and irritation. Remember that is how you can tell it’s not
love or fact. If you know what the love
of God is, you can use that as the measure of all that comes into your life or
before you. If it’s not from God, reject
it. It’s that simple and that
complex. Remember you will have to go
back to the family reunion sooner or later.
If you truly have peace with God, the reunion will be no problem. Maybe a few will ask you what you did to
become free. They will notice. The truth is obvious and before us. If we are living in freedom in Christ, we
know who we are. They will notice. They will want what you have.
My group of men were at this point after
the readings were done. More lost and
alone than they had ever been. Without
laying this foundation for them ahead of time my exercise would have been
dangerous and cruel. One by one they,
over time, embraced Christ and were set free.
They were a new creation and could tell everyone that they were a whole
person with Christ at the center of their lives. Who are they?
They are Gods children. The once
daunting question of “who are you” now was answered. They were Gods kids. Their past was gone and their future wide
open. They entertained fact now and not
what someone said was fact. Part of the
gift God gives us is the ability to discern (judge) that which is right and
good. The Holy Spirit within us gives us
the “nod” on what is right and good. He
also warns us when people are speaking falsely to us. Which are you listening to?
So, here we are. We have looked at one of the toughest
questions in the life of man. Everything
that could be said hasn’t been said here.
It wouldn’t fit into any of the books on earth. However, it can be summed up in simple
words. Who am I? I am Gods child. I am never alone and will never be
alone. I am loved with the purest love
man has every touched. The condemnation
is gone whether people want it gone or not.
I refuse to feel bad, so you can feel good. Did you hear me? I don’t belong to you. I belong to God. Did you catch that? God’s truth trumps your truth every day of
the year. His truth lasts for eternity. Yours will die with you. What is the legacy you want to leave when you
go home? I want people to say that Steve
knew that he was God’s child and that was good enough. I don’t find myself so irritated today. Guess that’s a good thing.
It’s time for you to make your
decision. Will you choose to die and
rise with Christ as Lord of your life? I
hope so. Your life depends on it.
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