How you see yourself is largely based on how you were taught to see yourself as a reflection of your parents, community, and nation. For some that means a lot and for others it means nothing. Being raised in so many different environments is commonplace and often transient. With the many changes at or around the World Wars, mothers went to work. Fathers were at war and many did not come home. Children were raised without a father or in a blended home with step dads. When America had rebounded economically women continued to work and be joint supporter in the family life. If that were all, this chapter would be very short. Take the children who were orphaned because of the many different variables that brought their status about; what did they define themselves as? Often the orphanages were run by religious groups who indoctrinated the children with their belief system and expectations. The orphanages still exist and are much better in many places. However, the lack of "birth" family members leaves one without a beginning. Limbo lies as a quiet cat waiting for the proper moment to jump on you and cause yet another day or night (or both) to be upset or even crushed. "Who am I?" is the invariable question of the abandoned and the adopted. Never mind how the abandonment took place. Adoption of the abandoned was and is a very good event for the most part. However, once again, the child is raised outside of their past heritage
Foster children live in a particularly precarious world of never knowing what will be their fate. Everything is seen as temporary. Attachment isn’t encouraged. Visits with parents and family is often a couple of hours here or there at best and at its worst, visits don’t even take place. Foster children move from one home to another; one school to another; one community to another and often from one religion to another. With the best of intentions the world tries to do the impossible and give these children a "normal" life and a future. Never mind that they don’t even know what "normal" is. The rest of us don’t even know what "normal" is either. Then we encounter the homeless children, the abused and neglected children, the ignored children and the child parents. What a mixed bag of incredulous situations we have! How can these children see themselves as a child of the universe much less important enough to be lifted above the natural world around them? Yet, here we are as a people looking for our identity as adults and not giving identity to those children within our sphere of influence. We haven’t even talked about the children with medical and mental issues that imprison them. We haven’t mentioned the children who are not literate. We have yet to talk about those children who are pressured and sometimes forced into the gangs of their neighborhoods. Then, lastly but most importantly, are the 1.5 million babies that are killed (aborted) each year just in the United States. Why aren’t they children of the universe and important?
The problem doesn’t start with our children. The problem starts with Adam and Eve. Choosing to live outside of the presence of God led the first pair of brothers to fight with one dying. There hasn’t been a "normal" since. The best we can do isn’t being done by many. The best we can show to our world isn’t being done by many either. The best we can do is subject to scrutiny from communities, other parents, teachers, churches, organizations, the police, welfare and other state agencies. The best is defined in obscure and general ways leaving wiggle room for interpretation by whomever. Over the decades and centuries mankind has evolved. Not in a good way but rather in a way that rationalizes and justifies why we don’t act like God’s creation. No, the evolution has included turning away so we don’t see and as a result don’t have to do or say anything. Punishment in one country is considered abuse in another. Children in one country have identity and in another are seen as a possession who are pressed into child labor at home and worse, in the factories. Some children, because of their sex (male and female) are ordered into their roles. Finally (although there are many more examples) are the children in some countries who are taken away from their parents at certain ages because they show potential as a scientist, musician, athlete, and whatever that country will need 18 years down the road. It isn’t easy for these children to see themselves as God does. Nor do they feel a genuine sense of being needed as they are.
And on and on it goes.
Wisdom is considerate. Consider this; we are an inconsiderate people with selfishness at the core of our being. This is NOT what God called us to do or be. Yes, you say, you are considerate. You remind me of the birthday presents, the clothes you buy them, the holidays and the gifts, goodies and balloons. Yes, even balloons. I use balloons because at the end of some of those celebrations the balloon along with their sense of having an important day floats away up into the sky. The book of Proverbs is the "wisdom" book. Having read it several times I can truly say that I find it difficult at times to want to be wise. If I don’t know, I can’t be held responsible. If I don’t know then my actions are being ignorant but not wrong. That’s part of the world we are teaching to our children. When you repeat for the fortieth time in an exasperated voice instructions on how you’re 4 year old should do this or that. It’s okay for us to pretend we don’t know but we can’t even give that grace to our children. You know that is what they want as you are still waiting for grace to come to the child inside of you. Wisdom is considerate. Keep telling yourself that but examine your words, actions and thoughts to make sure that you are acting wisely. Remember that children follow our example. I’ve let my kids down on so many times that I’m amazed when they give me grace to try again and again.
What’s in a definition? For many it’s not what the definition actually means but what the individual wants it to mean. For if we are able to alter our responsibility and subsequent actions then we must be okay. The disciples were made of the same cloth as you and I. When children were brought to Jesus the disciples tried to send the children away. They saw Jesus as much too important to bother with children. Yet, Jesus took them on his lap and (I believed he played soccer with them!) told the disciples to never deny children their needs. As a mental health counselor a couple came into see me about problems in their marriage. As the husband talked it was obvious that he had a skewed understand of husband and Christian. He, at one point, said, "If she didn’t do stuff to make me angry, I wouldn’t have to hit her." Straight faced. No guilt present in his voice. He beat her as a means of discipline and thought there was nothing wrong with that behavior. My advice to her was to get out of the relationship and keep herself safe from him. She came back and he never graced the doorway to the office. I would have loved to help him if he had. Clearly he thought someone else was in need of help more than he. What did he teach his children about being wise and considerate? How important did they feel if their mother didn’t feel important? How do you think they would have grown up if they had continued to be raised by their father? Therein lies the problem. Prevented from growing up in a healthy world; they are unable to recognize acceptable when it’s in front of them.
So, what kind of universe were you raised in? How big or small was it? Was it positive or negative? Do you have good memories? Were you told you were loved, accepted and approved? These are some of the questions we all need to ask ourselves. Furthermore, we need to make a concerted effort to improve the world around us rather than continue on in the self-same way. Regardless the day or hour, the world will never be perfect. We shouldn’t kid ourselves into thinking circumstances and people here on earth are or can be perfect. We all have problems and we all contribute to situations where we are not acting wise and considerately toward others. .
The easy part of life is showing all that it is wrong with the world. There are many positives as well. Positives that show wisdom, consideration and self-worth. In the Bible God tells us that it is he who wove together the very fabric of our being. It further states that God knew our every day, every thought, and every deed for our whole life. Wow! He knew that I, like Adam and Eve would sin and from the beginning of time. He was waiting for just the right time and place to bring Jesus to live on earth, die on earth and live again before going to heaven. God knew all of that! It only gets better from there to those who truly wish to engage the love of God in their lives. The Scripture says the sins of the father are visited upon our children to the third and fourth generations. So, I have done some damage. I accept that verdict. I also know that God has expressed grace and forgiveness to me when I am repentant and ask him to forgive my sins. Jesus has already paid the penalty for all of my past sins, all of my present sins, and all of my future sins.
Let’s look at some of the actions, thoughts and words that make a positive difference in the life of the child in you (and your children if you have any). Remember that all children and adults are only looking for 3 things. The first is to be approved for who they are. That means for who they were and who they will become as well. Approving of others is always easier than approving yourself. Why? Because we are taught to not do or think in such a way that we are seen a pompous and or proud. Humility is okay as long as it’s within reason. If you approve someone make sure it’s positive. In my senior year of high school each senior was in the yearbook for most likely to do or be something. My class voted me most likely to fail. Nice of them. However, that approval was the same one I received from others in my life as well. You won’t amount to anything. You’ll go to jail and die young. Those are some of the comments that echo in my head. I was just completing my second Master’s Degree and was about to walk down the aisle to receive my diploma when it hit me. I was smart! I was 38 and just realized that I was smart. What did it take to get self-approval? I’d love to give you a formula to follow right about now but I don’t have one. Just understand that I did not believe God when he told me. I did not believe my adviser and teacher/counselor. I didn’t believe others who were able to speak into my life. Not until I could believe that about me. Then the approval came to myself and I realized there were many who tried to tell me but I couldn’t hear because of the language of my childhood. Some things are good to abandon. Like untrue statements. Approval is encouraging and life sustaining. Do you like yourself? For more years than I like to remember I didn’t like me. Why? Because I hadn’t been able to meet the expectations of others. God says that I am approved, affirmed and most importantly I am his.
Acceptance is a second desire of all mankind. We want approval and we want acceptance. You cannot just give one and not the other. Not to yourself or someone else. What is the difference? Well, I don’t approve of someone acting destructively towards themselves or others. I still accept them as we all should. Now magnify that example by a million. There you would find my past. Yet, God said he would accept me just as I am. Because he loves me I know he accepts me. When I’m doing something wrong he doesn’t just cut me off. He waits for me to get to the end of my rope and repent. His acceptance has never wavered and never quit. He accepted me before I was born. He accepts me through eternity. When I do something wrong (sin) he doesn’t approve of the sin but accepts me the same. When my daughter was in a private school she and a friend found a cigar and took it to the boiler room to smoke it. She and her friend gaged. They were caught. Just sniff the kids for the guilty ones. When she arrived home from school she came to me and told me what happened. I asked her if she had learned anything. She assured me that she had and won’t smoke again. I forgave her and life went on. I didn’t hold my acceptance waiting for something to approve of. What she had done was wrong. There was no question she needed to confess her sin and repent. She NEVER was unacceptable in my sight.
Accepting someone doesn’t mean we need or want a relationship with them. I don’t approve of people abusing one another, using one another, and a host of other harmful behavior. God doesn’t either. He tells us in the Word that we should dust off our sandals and walk away from such people. Jesus told us to not throw our pearls before the swine. Pearls being the truth of God and the swine being those who do not want the truth. You don’t need to be around them or tied to them either. Accepting doesn’t mean we look the other way. If I love my wife, children, friends, or co-workers I don’t need to approve of their behavior. Accepting of someone doesn’t mean we don’t leave either. Sometimes that is the last choice with a non-repentant person. Understand that we are to love others as we love ourselves (second greatest commandment). Here is where it gets sticky. We’re to accept our enemies as they are. How else would we be able to share Jesus with them? Take a look at your life and ask yourself if you are accepting of others. I did and find that I still have pockets of non-acceptance that need to be dealt with. I’m sure there are people who have a difficult time accepting me as well.
The last of the three is love. By no means the last in terms of importance. I’ve just chosen to address them in this order. It is whether we accept and approve that love can be born between us. When we are with people it is important that we genuinely show love to them even if they are an enemy in our eyes. Remember that they are a child of God’s universe and have great importance to God and should be to us as well. Regardless of our chronological age, we are all his children. We are to understand that we are more important than anything else God created including the angels of heaven. Believe it or not it says so in the Bible as well. Look it up.
I, like many, had a very twisted definition of "love" as I made my way through childhood and into adulthood. Living within an environment of violence and uncertainty does that to people. Besides not feeling acceptable to anyone, I didn’t feel approved by anyone either. Not at home, not at school and certainly not in my extended family. However the day I was saved by Jesus Christ all that changed. Not completely but in some areas the growth was slow and sure and continues today. It wasn’t until I was 37 years old that I knew, really knew, what love was. Yep, 37 years old and just learning one of the basic life’s word and how it applied to me. Loving someone is wonderful and I pray that all mankind learn how to do so. Love doesn’t have to be a verbal thing as we can convey love in physical ways as well. Our body language can say "come close" or "stay away" with a mere gesture or movement of the eyes. I’ve found that the place it has been the hardest to love others is to those who are closest to me. You ask, "Why?" Because it is with those who are closest to you that you trust with your treasure and you’re junk. I had spent a lifetime hiding everything about me. To place treasure and or junk in the hands of others was the same as committing suicide. That too has slowly dissipated and what is left is the truth that God loves me, has made a home for me and will welcome me home one day…just as I am.
Do you love, accept and approve others? How about yourself? Do you do so for yourself? How about receiving these from God? It’s a loaded and complicated world out there. My favorite line in all things Christian is this: "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so."
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