With a first read there
wasn’t going to be much to say about the subject at hand. However, reality is the subject matter is
rather “loaded” and needs to be unloaded for full impact in our living. A tendency is to go the easy route, skim over
the top, avoid anything that slows us down and find an excuse when we violate
the imperative, so we will feel good about doing nothing. But, what about those around us? We tolerate our peers, sometimes respect our
elders, but spend very little energy with the dull and the ignorant. I would suggest at this point that we all
fall into this latter category from time to time. Sometimes it’s episodic and sometimes
lifelong. However, we will fall into
that category at one time or another.
Finally, what are we to do with our story and the story of others’
lives? We just get used to our story and
some author somewhere causes us to think and then we go and make changes in our
lives. That happens to other people
too. So, there will need to be some time
spent on tolerance of where we as people stand or land in our lives.
Secondly, we need to understand
kindness. Not in our minds so much
(although that is important too) but rather from the view of God’s
kindness. What does he determine
kindness to be and not be? Within what
parameters? Of course, pretty much
everyone knows the Golden Rule. “Do unto
others what you would like them to do unto you.” Except for the criminal and the psychotic, we
can probably agree that it’s a pretty good rule. Within our society there is the incredible
“bank” of information upon which to base the understanding of kindness
upon. Unfortunately, the same “bank” of
information is negatively directed. We
find it easier to say what kindness is not than deliver a definition is to
us. We tell our children, “Don’t do
that…” after an unkind act. We rarely
say why that is unkind. Even rarer are
the missed opportunities when we could say to others: “That was so kind when you…” Positive reinforcement is not found in most
parts of society. We need to hear about
the positive as well as the negative.
It’s my presupposition that if we concentrate on delivery of the
positive that the negative will decrease.
Being a fallen people, we will not attain perfect positive
reinforcement. At least we should try
becoming teacher and example.
The same example should be set for
listening. I’m a people watcher. When I
watch people interacting (be it young or old or on the phone or in person) I
see missed opportunities. For instance,
a person who is used to not having people listen to them will often turn their
eyes away from the person they are talking with. Why?
Because if you don’t look at the other person the chances of saying what
you want without being interrupted or shut down is greater. People who are multitasking have a huge
percentage of not hearing what you are saying even if it’s important. The impatient person probably takes the cake
though. They “don’t have the time” to
listen but often have the time to talk.
If you cannot take the time to hear me, then my communication with you
is wasted. Another example are the
people who are busy trying to find someone to agree with them. Should there be a chance of opposition the
conversation is over whether you like it or not. Finally, there is the courteous
listener. They bob their head, smile a
bit and even say “um” a bunch of times.
All the while trying to decide which color to paint the dining room. One of the ways I try to find out how much
people have heard of what I said is to ask an opportune question at an awkward
moment. Catching people off guard is a
wonderful way to find out whether you are communicating with someone or just
talking to the wall. Many a good decision
has been made while talking to a wall.
That decision is to not depend upon the other person. If you cannot listen to me; do not expect me
to listen to you. Right? No, wrong.
Just because someone else is not listening (negative) we have the
ability and responsibility to listen.
In kindness, listen to others, even the
dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
The Desiderata does not define out who the dull and ignorant are. Rather, we are left to our own definition and
assumptions. Perhaps I should have
reversed those two words? You see, we
almost always assume until we have the facts.
Even then people assume their truth overrides the real true
definition. And so, the quagmire that is
our world of communication is once more in our way. I recently was able to see a text message on
another person’s phone. I’m not the
techy person and probably will never be.
However, the shortcuts, abbreviations, and other number/letter
combinations left me speechless. I had
no clue what they had just received that was called communication. This was a different language for me. When people text message me (yes, I have
learned that much), they have already (for the most part) learned my style of
communication and react in like manner.
So, they alter their manner of communicating to accommodate my manner of
communicating. They are listening with
kindness. Are you that person to those
in your circle? Are those in your circle
that to you? Just remember that we are to
listen with kindness.
Years ago, I found myself in a
communication dilemma. This came in the
form of listening with kindness to a joke I had heard before. The person telling the joke had invested
himself in his rendition and was expecting my positive response even before he
told the joke. So, he launched himself
into the telling of the joke. When he
was done I laughed with him. That joke
has been told to me at least a dozen times over the years. I laugh every time. Not because it touches my funny bone, but
because this is one way for me to listen with kindness. The real issue is the value of my
listening. How much does it cost me to
listen? Nothing. Listening does not cost me a thing. Nothing.
There is no cost involved when I have CHOSEN to listen. All the parameters have been accepted by my
saying: “Sure, I’d love to hear a joke.”
That statement should say to the other person; you have my undivided
attention. If not, then you should say:
“I really don’t have the time right now.
Could we save the joke for later?”
Likewise, if the other person begins with: “Have you heard the one
about…?” We can be honest and say yes or
dishonest and say no when we have heard the joke. Sometimes people say yes just to not have to
hear the joke. That is also a deception. Speaking your truth in love to another is
God’s way of communicating with kindness.
So, before you tell me I’m full of it,
I’ll add in this next part of listening with kindness. I have a hard time talking with people who I must
communicate with but don’t want to communicate with. Take the untimely telemarketer at dinner
time. Or the pushy salesman who is only
interested in taking care of your wallet.
How about the boss who feels it’s his right to verbally beat you up
often in front of others? Some people
rely on written communications in their relationship with others. There are reasons why we feel it’s okay to
communicate negatively by any means. I
am guilty. Have been guilty. Will be guilty. There you have it. We are all guilty of the above. I’ve hung up the telephone on people
before. I even learned a secret way to
do that without offending people. You
hang up on yourself while you are talking.
No one hangs up on themselves; they hang up on the other person. How many of you have seen a friend, spouse,
co-worker or any other person walking towards you and you don’t want to talk
with them. So, you find an open office
or room and walk into it. You see
someone else and strike up a conversation with them? Perhaps you cross the street just, so you
don’t have to walk past them. People
have done that to me. I’ve done that to
people. It’s not right but sometimes the
safest way to say to another person you aren’t available to listen right at
that moment. With good communication
it’s okay to say no or not right now.
It’s okay to not be interrupted while you are involved with something else.
Let’s look at the “dull and ignorant”
section for a moment. I’m not sure who
the author meant so I will use myself. I
admit that sometimes I am dull and sometimes I am ignorant. Sometimes the reason is because of my
disability. I have a listening
problem. It’s invisible if you haven’t
any knowledge of its existence. Due to
prolonged exposure to harsh noises I have lost 3/4th of my hearing
in each ear above 3000 decibels. I’m not
good with listening in crowds or with machines competing for my hearing you
talk. Background noise cancels out my
ability to hear you well. Sometimes I
have faked hearing and tried to lip read.
Sometimes my lip reading has identified what you are saying. They were computerized and could be adjusted
for one to one, in a crowd or with a lot of background noise. So, when I would go into those different
situations I only needed to push a button on the remote in my pocket I was good
to go. It may have seemed to others that
I was within the classification listed previously, of the dull and
ignorant. Things aren’t always what they
seem. People have been in comas and
heard and remembered what people have said to them. However, most assume that the comatose cannot
hear. We could list a whole bunch of
different situations and people groups from politicians to those with mental
illnesses that have communication difficulties.
WE need to be able to adjust our ability to HEAR them in order for
communication to be valid.
When we are around impaired individuals
that are unable to speak clearly in an understandable way; we owe it to
ourselves and them to listen none the less.
Should we desire to have our story heard, we must be ready to hear their
story as well. Just saying our piece is
not communication. Let me continue the
example of my hearing loss. Those who
know of my hearing loss also know that there are times (a lot) when I have
problems hearing them. So, I have asked
them to do one little thing before they tell me about something. I have asked them to say my name and wait for
me to answer. That gives me the time to
adjust from where I was to where I am.
This gesture also has a huge positive impact on the person you are
talking with or listening to. When
people hear their name they feel more connected and respected. People feel a sense of being important. It’s as simple as saying a name. I would challenge you to take a few days and
call people by their name before saying what it is you want them to hear. Try: “I think you are great!” versus “Steve,
I think you are great!” Big difference
and bigger rewards. I’m more likely to
stop whatever I am doing when I hear my name than when an issue is addressed
and it’s unclear who the statement is directed to. Even the dull and the ignorant have
names. They too want to hear their name
and to be listened to and talked with.
Listen
to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. It has been said that our lives will be the
only Gospel others will read. God wants
us to be a witness to his grace by our actions as well as our words. The Gospel is God’s story. He wants to be heard by you and me. He wants us to know we are important even if
we think of ourselves as dull and ignorant; for his Gospel is a story for us as
well. One of the virtues God wants us to
manifest in our lives is that of kindness.
He is positive we should do this.
In fact, the first command with a promise is to honor our mother and
father. God says if we do this he will
bless us, and we will live a long life.
When the disciples thought Jesus was being bothered by the people around
them; they told the people to go away.
Jesus told the disciples that people are always welcome to come to him
and he would listen. Wow! What would happen if we were to tell our
world that we would truly listen when they were with us? Nothing would happen. We can tell people this or that until we are
blue in the face. If we tell others BUT
don’t practice what we preach then what we have said is worthless. Unfortunately, there are many who have done
just that. Politicians again come to
mind. However, Scripture holds no
loophole for me. There is no excuse. We who know the one who listens to the
smallest part of our heart asks us to do the same.
Let’s
look at our communication style and especially listening. What is your body language when you are
having communication with someone? Do
people know you are listening by how you are standing, sitting, looking,
nodding? Do people know you are
listening when you have that deer in the headlights stare? Do people see you as a hurried individual
with no time to listen? Nervousness and
the classic “fight or flight” instinct is present in all of us. Do you put that under the submission of
God? He wants you to do neither. He does want us to flee from sin. But then you already knew that.
I’m
not a prophet. Thank you, Jesus,! That’s one more I won’t mess up. Yet, there are times each of us when we sense
that our communication is moving into that area where we will need to correct
someone. Someone is talking with you and
you are using your best listening mannerism.
They start to say something you are vehemently opposed to. That strong feeling inside of you knows that
you will need to stop this subject and make it clear where you stand. What do you do? How do you show kindness in confronting
someone you are committed to listening to?
First listen to all that the person is saying. Being able to read people is good at this
point. When you are talking with someone
you know whether your communication back to them is worth it or not. You will know when you are doing well or
wasting your time. Some people are open
to correction and some are not. Your
definition does not need to be theirs.
Let’s say you don’t like jokes that do not glorify God. I have received that in an email before. I returned that I would like to not receive
that type of email again. So far, so
good. Face to face presents another
problem. Listening with kindness does
not exempt standing your ground and defending the reason for your hope. I learned a good phrase to tell others when
you needed to be heard and didn’t want to fight. “I’m sorry you feel that way, I feel
differently.” You don’t lose, and they
don’t win. The Bible tells us to not
cast our pearls before swing. We are
asked in that imperative to judge what and when to say to people. Sometimes speaking my mind is right and
sometimes its sin.
I’d
like to end with answering one final question.
What do you tell someone when you do not have an answer? Remember the “kindness” factor. We have, for the most part, forgotten that it
is okay for us to simply say: “Steve, I don’t know.” That’s it.
Simple and to the point. We don’t
need to “fake” communication. Clearly
speak your truth. Clearly speak your
expectations. Even more importantly,
listen to their truth and expectations.
Honor the trust given in communication.
Resist the negative and engage the positive. Expect the positive from others. “I’m sorry that happened. What can you learn about yourself from this
experience?” Listening is dependent on
those who will. Will you?
Listening well is what God wants us to
do. He wants us to listen to him whether
that be through the Bible or through his chosen. He was us to first listen to the Holy Spirit
and receive the direction or word intended for us. Finally, he wants us to listen to the heart
that Jesus has given us when we’ve come to him and given him our lives. Not just part, but all our life. I’m still working on that one. Giving all our lives takes a lifetime. The retirement is wonderful though.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste and
remember what peace there may be in silence.
As faras possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all
persons. Speak your truth quietly and
clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their
story.
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