I was up this morning at 2:30 AM. Not because I wanted to be. I wanted to sleep into the morning...say 9:00 AM. I have PTSD (complex) and that includes things like chronic insomnia, nightmares, and anxiety. Life could always be worse and I know people whose PTSD is 100 times worse than mine. My day is filled with activity to keep me from sitting and dwelling on what caused all of this to begin with. Some days I am successful at keeping the negative at bay and other days I'm at the mercy of the negative. Why do I tell you all of this? Because this is what fills my day and yes I am a Christian. The stereotype of the Christian has tainted the entire Christian world. Having all in order, praising God and living happily ever after doesn't apply to many if any. You may talk the good talk but what are you living? What fills your day?
Pretending has taken me away from much happiness. I pretended my past didn't have any power over me. I pretended that if I did this or that happiness and fulfillment would follow. I pretended because all the Christians around me were pretending and it was "the right thing to do." What I have found is that I don't need to pretend and there ARE people out there who love to see a "real" person who can be real with them. It's refreshing to find that I'm not the only one who drops into a "depressed hole" from time to time. Yes, Christians fill their days with this also. Don't tell me to just say a happy verse and give it to God. I've done that. Sometimes what I need to fill my day is you walking beside me saying nothing but saying everything. Pretending that I was part of only brought me to a place of realization that I didn't fit.
So, change takes place and the wounds of the past get dealt with in many different ways. One of my favorite ways to deal with stress in my day is to go to my garden and pull weeds. I can pretend that each weed something I am dealing with that day. I fill my day pulling weeds. The physical and sexual abuse of my youth, the police involved shooting, the loss of my baby, and paralysis from surgery are always with me. They are weeds. There are no roses in that garden. BUT I can pull weeds and that is what I do. Sometimes my sister Charlotte pulls weeds with me. Maybe others come into the garden and chat but don't pull weeds. That's okay. I don't allow the telephone in my garden. Once thing I try to fill my day with is less impersonal communication. Face to face is always a great way to fill your day.
Every morning I begin with my Bible reading, then journal, then emails and onto this blog. From there I list things I have to do, things I want to do and things I need to do. Most of them don't get finished. I list them on paper with my own handwriting so that when I cross them off I can feel a sense of accomplishment. I try to fill my day with accomplishments. Last week I took an old tent I had to a homeless person along with a bag of item for personal care. I didn't have that on my list but God did. He understands me, my limits and my abilities. He never brings more upon me than I can bear. Yep, God has a list too! What fills His days? Love for me is on the top of that list. Love for you as well. There are many ways to show love to those around you. Because of my current place in life, I do things like let the person in a hurry ahead of me in the store. I try to not compete for the roadway. I am nice to my dog. He wants me to see him as he sees me. His day is filled with trying to please me. Jesus' day is filled with love and wanting to please me...except when I sin.
Today I will fill my day with thinking on positive things as much as possible. Verses often read will come to me in my thoughts and in the music that I listen to. I try to not fill my mind with garbage as that is what comes out when I do so. I've been there and done that. Trying to not do it again. Today I will fill my day with saying positive things to those around me. That doesn't mean lying to people telling them what they want to hear. It means honest thoughts and feelings delivered in God's love. God doesn't just tell me what a good boy I am. He also tells me to knock it off and be the creature he created me to be. Today I will fill my day with action that shows I care about something other than myself. Instead of watching a soccer game on TV I will watch PBS with someone who just needs me to be there and not tuning them out. Jesus did that all the time. He still fills his day doing the same. Patience and understanding are hard to come by today so I may as well do what I can.
What will you fill your day with? Excuses? Less than? Selfishness? Complacency? It's my prayer that you will choose better. You and those around you deserve better. Others have a difficult time filling their days with positive when you and I aren't positive. If I don't make excuses maybe my children won't either. If I give all of me to what God wants perhaps I can help someone in need. If I am less selfish maybe I can deliver Jesus to someone in need. Like food to a beggar. Wait, I am a beggar! If I am active I am not complacent. What fills your day?
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