Integrity is who you are when no one is looking.

     I'm not so good at personal integrity when no one is looking.  Well, God sees but human beings around me don't.  That's part of the problem for all who claim to be Christian but don't act like it all the time.  We think that since no one human can see us as we really are, we can continue to think, say and do what we did before we were saved.  Fake people abound.  I've been one of them from time to time.  Putting on a happy face outside while filled with depression or rage inside.  Going along with the crowd/family when you secretly don't want to have anything to do with them.  And so our secret lives are what fuel our anger, rage and resentments.  While we know this isn't good for us we still go about playing this game.  When we do this behavior we "put on a form of godliness but have no God in us."  Well, that's not exactly true.  We have a god within us that is called "I".  Since we know that this violates the first commandment we should also know that there is a conflict in this choice.  There are some who would like to play the "blame" card and put all that isn't well in their lives on someone or something else avoiding personal responsibility.  While it may seem like it's working, we are only fooling ourselves. 
     The very thought that God sees me when no one else sees the real me and loves me overwhelms my thoughts.  Why is it I think I can be me when Christ in me is so much better?  Does anyone else have this struggle?  Am I alone in this dilemma?  The Bible says that Jesus was tempted in all ways that mankind is tempted.  I know that I am not alone.  The Bible says that all mankind has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  I know that I am not alone.  The Bible says that through Christ we are more than conquerors.  I know that I am not alone.  What do the Christians think when they have this dual life going on?  I know what I think.  I vacillate between feeling like I can do all things through Christ Jesus my Lord and the old man living in a cave inside of me.  Often there is a reversal of priority and the old man wins out over Jesus...by my choice.  Reliance on God is the only way we can maintain integrity.  Then, it's not our integrity, but the integrity of God living in and through us that is maintained.  The less there is of me, the more there is of God. 
     I remember the first time my first child lied to me.  I wasn't prepared for the lie as I didn't think he would lie to me.  It devastated me.  I was depressed and felt like a failure for a long time.  There was a feeling of my failure combined with how could and why would he do this to me.  Eventually I got past this experience but an innocence was gone.  My son was human like me and not pure like Jesus.  I can remember the first time after becoming a Christian that I consciously sinned against God.  I knew it was wrong.  I knew that there would be consequences but like Eve in the garden with Adam, I felt my sin was okay.  That is until the sin had been committed.  The Father's heart was grieved that day just as it is every time I choose to sin.  We don't accidentally sin.  Sin is intentional just like integrity.  We have the choice to have integrity or to not have integrity.  We have the choice to sin or to not sin.  It's never in God's best interest for me to think I am god.  That's what sinning does though.  Sinning causes us to think we can be the god of our lives with impunity to consequences.  Who are you when no one is looking?  How's that working for you?  It's your choice.