When I feel sorry for myself.

     As a Christian there is an expectation that I won't feel sorry for myself and have a cheery smile on my face in spite of what life throws at me.  I've been told as much by others.  Perhaps you have too.  When someone feels sorry for themselves there is a shift in their being that can only seek to drive a wedge between my God and I.  That's the example put in the Bible (both Old and New Testaments).  It's easier to try and find someone that at some point DIDN'T feel sorry for themselves.  We are a people steeped in complaining.  I don't pretend that will ever really stop until we are in God's presence in Heaven.  The phrase "Heaven on earth." takes on a bit of life at this juncture of my blog.  People speak of wanting heaven on earth like it's something bought at the corner store.  Heaven is a very real place where we go when our physical bodies give out.  There will be no feeling sorry for myself there.  In heaven we will have no pain, no fears, no failures, no reminders that in comparison to so and so we are lesser.  What we will have is peace. 
     With my recent heart attack and subsequent open heart surgery some would say I was justified with feeling sorry for myself.  I know there were patients around me who did.  I was thankful that yet one more day I could draw a breath of air here on earth.  The opposite would have been acceptable and yet, I didn't feel like I was finished here on earth.  So what did I go and do?  I began to feel sorry for myself.  It didn't start that way.  I began to ask questions.  Questions that revealed problems I hadn't been aware of and problems I was aware of but disregarded.  As the answers to these questions came I began to assign blame.  For being in the hospital gives a person a LOT of time to think and dwell on issues and events.  Anger began to rise at health care providers who took my symptoms and misdiagnosed resulting in my eventual heart attack.  Then there was he anger over the DNA aspect.  Thanks to my father and grandfather I was set up to have a heart attack.  Finally, there was the anger at myself for letting myself go to where I was in this hospital ER in the first place.  So, when I was in the midst of this I began to feel sorry for myself.  That ushers in a downward spiral that is difficult to stop if you are really enjoying the benefits of the attitude.
     My "heaven on earth" became even more elusive to me.  Yes, I can imagine it.  No, I can't seem to manufacture it.  Too bad.  That's just the way it is.  The real culprit in taking me to this place of feeling sorry for myself really has it's center in my selfishness.  Selfishness is nothing more than self love above the love of God.  So I exercised my rights to be in a position where I felt sorry for myself.  People expressed prayers and love towards me and I'm getting much better.  Yet, feeling sorry didn't take me anywhere.  Heaven on earth seemed as elusive as ever.  Maybe you have felt that way from time to time.  Maybe your heaven on earth seems to far out of grasp to care.  So, you to, have taken to feeling sorry for yourself.  In so doing, we do the comparison thing.  I have it worse than so and so.  my situation is different and no one understands.  Why can't they see how we need sympathy?  Enough of that! 
     Feeling sorry for myself halts the journey.  The pause button gets pushed and the show stops.  The worst part?  No one can fix this situation except me.  I created it and I need to fix it.  Just saying I won't feel sorry for myself is a great step but doesn't remove the problem.  Pretending that the issue has gone away or somehow just disappeared doesn't work either.  What works is for us to see ourselves as God sees us.  He sees Christians as free from sin.  His vision for us is of success and happiness.  He wants us prepared to enjoy Heaven when we leave heaven on earth.  In order for this to take place I need to take my eyes off myself in order that He may be seen and listened to.  Feeling sorry for myself separates me from the love of God.  It does for you too.  Heaven on earth is contented living with faith that God will take us to our ultimate goal...life with Him.