Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

      Is it just me or does anyone else think God gets tired of hearing me say those 7 words?  Daily and sometimes many times a day I utter those words.  I mean them but how much?   Enough so that I won't repeat my sin?  Since I repeat specific sin from time to time; evidently not enough.  Yet, I know that God wants me to ask for forgiveness when I do sin.  Acknowledging my need for forgiveness from Him and relationship with Him is one of the primary driving forces in me.  So, why don't I just do what I know what is right to do and not sin? (James 4:17)  When we put this in perspective we are asking for something we don't deserve but want to have without consequence.  It may be what you needed from a mom or dad growing up.  Perhaps it was a teacher or grandparent that you needed this forgiveness for.  I don't know your circumstances.  I do know mine.
     It's one thing asking God to forgive us our sins and an entirely different thing to confess to someone here, in front of us, in the flesh.  Twelve step programs all have the same premise.  We are powerless over our addiction and need the intervention of God to overcome those addictions.  One of the steps is to make amends where needed and possible to those whom we have offended against.  What a difficult and humbling task!  Asking someone you have sinned against for their forgiveness without rationalizing or justifying yourself is difficult.  First you need to get over yourself and then come in humbleness to the "other."  It's as difficult a process as we make it.  The more we fight the process, the greater the mountain to overcome.  Putting ourselves on the altar before God or man means being vulnerable to God or man.  It means that we need something from them that we don't deserve.  Grace.
     I once refused to apologize to a teacher I had offended (5th grade I think).  She was astounded that I would refuse when I had been caught red handed.  She called my mother in from the farm to deal with her unrepentant son.  My mom told me to apologize.  I refused.  After they both could see that I wasn't going to apologize mom and I went home and the teacher came back for another day of teaching me.  It would be years later that this incident came back to me for analysis.  What had transpired was simple.  First, I must tell you that my father physically abused me and my mom didn't stop him.  No one had ever apologized to me.  Herein lies the problem.  I didn't know what "I'm sorry." meant because no one had taught me what it meant.  Hence I wasn't going to say anything to anyone that I didn't understand.
      I use this story to bring us to this point.  Many of us go through life demanding others apologize for what has been said or done against us.  We want to hear out of their mouths the confession that they were wrong and for them to ask for forgiveness.  For those who hear and refuse to forgive, that issue becomes a grudge.  It's amazing where and how grudges come to the surface.  We can almost say that having a grudge is expected because someone has hurt us.  Grudges keep us from forgiving and being forgiven.  When we come to God asking for forgiveness for our sin, he offers grace and forgives us.  No grudges.  However, if we nurse a grudge we cheapen the grace God gives.  We cannot have it both ways.  Either God's forgiveness and grace is what he says it is or it's not.  It's wishful thinking but I would love to take back every offense I've committed against people and God in my life.  Wipe clean the slate and start all over.  Don't you ever feel that way?  According the the Sermon on the Mount and the Lord's Prayer (in specific) we are to forgive those who offend against us and pray for them.  Wait!  No where does it say we need to be asked to forgive them.  No where.
     As I struggle with this daily I am still discovering exactly what the grace of God for Steve looks like.  It's something so big that I haven't been able to embrace the whole picture.  Why?  Because I fail to ask the Father and others to forgive me.  Make amends.