I have. It comes with the territory though. I'm fat, not good at sports, and don't have the patience for board games. It really started when I was young and impressionable. My repeated feeling of being "last" became a deep rooted part of my life. That determined what I would choose as a teenager, young adult and to some extent is still there as I turn 64 in 2 months. But, Jesus chose me first. That's what the Bible says. I chose him because he first chose me. I've never been last ever since in the spiritual sense. The world can look at me, my life, and all that it entails and see that I am last place material. It doesn't matter. Why? Because in Jesus' book of life I was chosen first. Many who were jocks, looked hip, and acted like the classy people the world liked, simply weren't first. They too are first loved by Jesus. It's their choice whether the choose to love Him who loved them first. My book didn't make the best sellers list...anywhere. But it was a first for me! My education and accomplishments aren't listed in the book of Who's Who in America. But they were firsts for me. I choose me. Right after choosing Jesus! On my team EVERYONE is first. It doesn't matter who you are, what your past is, or where you are currently. You are first. Jesus told us to love others as ourselves. Until I received the love of Jesus I only knew second choice or last choice love. Knowing first choice love in my life gives me the opportunity to love others this way. You are first on the team.
The disciples wrestled with this hierarchy thing. Who gets to sit where. Who is chosen for this or that. They were a selfish lot that made a discovery...Jesus. They discovered that He first chose to love them as well. They were and are part of his team. Everyone in their lives became first choices to pass on the love of Jesus. "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" really upsets me! It's all about who can be the best and receive the most. It's not a Christian reflection at all. I was not the best (okay, I was bad) and didn't try to be good. In fact, the more people expected out of me the worse it became. I was living a "reactionary" life instead of living life. It's all I had been programmed to do. It's what I learned at school, at home, and eventually in the world. Then, (awkward pause) I met reality and it wasn't what I had been programmed for. I saw myself as having a choice. I could remain where and who I was or I could cross the bridge, burn it and never go back. It was my time to react to being chosen first by Christ. You would think I would have done this earlier in life. Not me. I didn't trust anyone and that included God, if there was a God. I hadn't put anyone first in my life before and doing so now meant having to make a choice.
On October 1, 1971 I made the choice to be loved by God. With a few (many) exceptions over the years I have continued to chose God. Because I can do this, I can pass that love of God onto others so that they can make the choice and exit the prison of their lives. It's not a competition. It's not a cost of being part of the team. It's not an expectation just because someone told you so. It's a pleasure to choose Christ and for him to choose others through my surrendered life. Everyday I make choices that either reflect the love of God in Jesus or I don't. There is no middle ground. Every thought, word, and deed is a choice of one or the other. We can choose to be on the heavenly team or the worldly team. It's always your choice.
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