Sometimes I wonder about myself.

     Being me is a bundle of mixed feelings and rapid thoughts on many different thoughts.  I'd love to say that my life is well organized and full of positive influences.  However, that wouldn't be true.  What my life appears to be and what it actually is bare almost no resemblance  Perhaps you feel that way as well  We are in good company.  Paul laments "those things I know I shouldn't do, I do and those things I know I should do, I do not. I am a wretched man."  My paraphrase but you get the point.  We all fall into this stereotypical description of the lament of mankind whether we are Christian or not.  For the Christian there is a deeper struggle of the conscious as we strive to love and pleas Christ in all of our lives.  When I look back over my life both before and after Christ I wonder what happened.  It sounds crazy but I sometimes wonder about myself, who I am, and where I'm headed in life.  My mission of serving Christ is included in that equation.  Yet, I'm not so stressed that I can't function.  Nor am I so distracted that my focus is back on selfishness instead of Christ.  I just wonder from time to time what my life would have been like if things had been different.  Like, if I hadn't sinned.
     Why is it that we grieve the loss of that which doesn't glorify Christ in our lives?  Why do the things of the past take precedence over things of the present.  Why do we resist change and the guidance of the Holy Spirit?  No easy answer unless I really like my misery.  Something is wrong when we experience that in our lives.  Misery is not an adjective Christ uses to describe the Christian life...or is it?  Remember that we will suffer much persecution for proclaiming faith in Him.  We will be ostracized and rejected by those who hate as well as those who love us.  The world will cause us much pain and distress should we steadfastly adhere to the love of God that is in us through the love of Christ on the cross.  We needn't shy away from all of this as it's our lot when we choose to die and let Christ live through us.  Perhaps you struggle with this because of the world you find yourself within.  Maybe you feel that the deck is stacked against you as you struggle to let go of the world.  It's a struggle that sometimes can feel very overwhelming.
     My thinking distracts me.  When I'm on auto pilot for Christ it's smooth sailing.  When I'm on auto pilot for me the flight is grounded.  Yet, I seem to go there to frequently with the same results.  I sometimes wonder about myself.  Yes, I preach and teach the abandonment of the world for the life with Christ and I believe it.  Still, just when I don't expect it something will happen and I will find myself wondering this or pondering that all the time not living for Christ. Wondering about myself is a waste of time.  All that needs to be known about myself God knows.  He knows my past, my present and my future.  He loves me and NEVER wonders about me.  He created me for his good pleasure.  Simple enough.  Not God help me to not be distracted by me.  It's always my choice.