Secondary losses

     I've learned over the span of my life that our lives are full of primary and secondary losses.  Primary losses are easy to explain.  My mom died, my dad died, my brother died.  You get the drift.  Primary losses don't necessarily mean death of someone.  Your car died.  A friend betrayed you.  Many losses are physical and even more are heart losses.  The disciples found themselves in this primary loss situation when their Lord was crucified.  They also found themselves in the position of secondary loss with the death of Lazarus.  How did they handle these losses?  They went into a grief process.  They felt the same feelings that you and I feel with loss.  They were able to better value life and life's circumstances because of their experiences.  I've had the three losses I mentioned above and also many secondary losses.  My daughter informed me last night that her friend committed suicide last week.  She was in a secondary loss situation.  Because she is experiencing grief so am I.   My friend informed me this morning that his mother passed away this morning.  His primary loss and my secondary loss.  When someone you love is in grief, so are you.  It's not a choice. 
     Primary and secondary losses are important only to those who love.  Jesus taught us to love as he loves.  Love is painful sometimes and certainly losses accentuate that fact.  The more we are attached through love, the greater the loss and subsequent grief.  A good measuring stick to see if you actually love is to check out how you have handled loss.  Did you take a fleeting moment to offer sympathy or did you take the time to offer grace?  Quite different expressions of the depth of love.  Most Christians are able to deal with primary loss but skip the secondary losses as they don't pertain to them.  Wrong.  The secondary losses are just as important and in need of experiencing.  The dilemma that we create is that we find our love deepening with every love that is lost.  The losses of those around us affect us more because we love more.  Because we love more, we are more and more in that place of loss and the loss of others.  Jesus went to the cross because of this love he had for all mankind.  His loss was to be our joy.  So why do people not see that we too need to die to self for His love to grow and multiply with others?
     My daughter and friend will heal in different ways.  They will heal though.  My job is to listen and offer mercy and grace.  Like Jesus those who believe will be raised to eternal life with Jesus.  It means we should always love deeply, care intensely and sometimes just listen to their heart because your heart has been there as well.  Sometimes we need to pick up and carry our loved ones because they just can't move themselves at the time.  During all of this we also need to understand OUR secondary losses.  I didn't know my daughters friend or my friends mother.  I did and do know them.  Being there for the living in Christ's capacity encourages us to understand their frailty just as our own frailty.  Because we are loved much we must love much even during the pain, grief and loss.  That's not an easy task but a necessary one.  And, it's always your choice.