Wrestling with my humanity.

     Paul is the first name that comes to mind when I think about wrestling with his humanity.  He and his wife Pam had a son who died around age 5 from leukemia.  Even though there were many willing to donate marrow, no one matched...not even me.  Paul talks about those last seconds that any and every parent hates.  He told Paul Jr. to "Run to Jesus!" as Paul Jr. slipped from his father's arms to his Father's arms.  My heart still grieves along with their hearts. 
     Ronnie comes to mind as well in a much different perspective.  Ronnie was my best friend in the Army.  We were stationed in several different places together and ended up in Germany.  He was in one company and I was in another.  Ronnie and I did everything together.  One day he was sent to a school for additional training.  The day he was to come home I was notified by his commander that Ronnie had been killed in an auto accident on a German Autobahn.  Ronnie was gone.  He still is.  His parents grieved with me and my heart still grieves along with theirs.
     Louise comes to mind because she was such a vibrant and beautiful woman.  Bob and she had two baby girls about the time I met them in Chicago.  We attended church together.  Met family together and lived a lot of our lives together.  I never heard a negative word come from either Bob or Louise.  Never.  They were fun, helping towards others and giving beyond what I had ever come across.  Louise donated marrow for her sister and her sister lived.  Then Louise succumbed to cancer herself.  She left her husband, girls, and the rest of us to go to be with Jesus...way to soon.  My heart and the hearts of those she touched still grieve for our loss and God's gain.
     "All things work for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose."  Really?! 
     June 13, 2009 at about 4:30 in the evening I'm waking up from the anesthesia given to me for surgery.  My first sense aroused was my feeling.  Pain struck like lightening in the middle of my back and not in my right shoulder where the surgery was preformed.  Seconds later I was made aware of the fact that I was paralyzed from the waist down!  From my right shoulder surgery.  No one believed me that I was paralyzed.  The nurses even tried to push me out of bed thinking I was faking.  I've regained most of the senses in my lower body and am able to walk.  I still wonder why God allowed this to happen to me? 
     "He will never put more on you than you can bear up under, but will always make a way out."  Really?!
     Four months into the first pregnancy of my wife and we are sitting in the doctors office.  He has said the words but we aren't hearing them.  "Your baby is dead."  What?  "Your baby is dead.  I'm sorry."  He said.  Joshua John was gone...to be with Jesus.  Why?  Numb and then depressed and angry and every other emotion accompanied me day and night for weeks, months and all these years.  I'm still grieving. 
     "I will give my angels charge over you."  Really?!
     My humanity, my love of God, my experiences, my beliefs, and my very soul still all come together and wrestle with each other.  I know I'm not alone.  You and others have suffered as much if not more than I have.  It's difficult to imagine so many of us who are here at this place in life.  Why?  Because we, all of us, don't talk about it.  If we don't talk about it then it didn't happen.  If we don't talk about it we lose the risk of someone thinking it's my fault. 
     "Yet will I praise Him even though he slay me."  Really?!
     "My grace is sufficient for you."  Really?!
     Really.  God has provided grace, protection, love and forgiveness with no boundaries.  He has been the only constant in my life over the years.  While I can associate with my fellow mankind with their experiences,  reality shows that it's been my association with God that I value the most. 
     "He will never leave me, nor will he ever forsake me."
     Really.