Sometimes I just don't fit in anywhere.

     Sometimes I just don't fit in anywhere.  It's usually because of my bias or just the weird place I am in my mind.  I'm not always the sanest person in the world!  I just ask that the world understand and tolerate those times I don't seem to be fitting in.  An example to point this out came up recently.  As many of you know I have PTSD.  Though I am doing okay most of the time there are still places and situations where I don't feel comfortable and have even felt threatened.  One of those places is at church.  Yep!  At church.  I find myself wanting to be there in the invisible state.  So, I sit in the back corner so that I can watch the crowd and not have people behind me.  Then as soon as practical I leave after the sermon is done.  Social crowds often are awkward for me.  Why?  Because I don't like to be asked questions that elicit personal information.  It's not that people say, "Why are you so weird?"; because they don't.  I just read it into their facial expressions and intonation of certain words.  I've been told that even normal people experience this. 
     Quite a number of years ago I was travelling through Nevada and stayed overnight in one of their towns.  On Sunday morning I went to a local Christian church to worship.  It was VERY obvious that I didn't belong.  Which of these is not like the others?  I was the "stranger" in their midst.  The sermon seemed to be spoken to me.  The questions were to me.  I was asked to stand and introduce myself and when the altar call was given I was expected to come forward and give my life to Jesus.  I didn't fit.  I went away fairly disappointed that the option of knowing me wasn't there before the event.  Perhaps then I could have been one of the family instead of the unknown misfit.  It's strange how we place these expectations out there (our standards) and then are dismayed when this or that person doesn't fit our bias or stereotype.  By the way, none of us really truly fit anywhere except in the presence of Jesus.
     I had a masters level group therapy class at a liberal college.  The teacher was a very out lesbian (she said so) who was also quite the male bashing feminist.  As the class progressed I felt that perhaps I wasn't in the right place being a male conservative Christian.  The question came up dealing with homophobic behavior in group therapy sessions.  After some very prejudicial statements had been made I could no longer keep quiet.  I suggested that these members of the class and the teacher who was encouraging this line of talk look at their hetero phobia.  There was a stunned silence and all that was said was, "Thank you Mr. Hawley for your input."  End of discussion.  It was then that I really understood that just as I didn't fit in some of the other worlds in existence here on earth; that there were many worlds here that didn't fit in mine either.  We were all wrong for each other but right for ourselves.  Quite the dilemma when we consider that Paul said he needed to be all things to all people so that they might know Christ crucified and resurrected.
     It's difficult being a person who doesn't want to fit with others on a regular basis.  Perhaps if the cost of giving up one's self wasn't so high the task may be easier and the medicine a little easier to swallow.  That's not the road that Christ gave us to walk though.  He told us to be different, a light that exposes and intolerant of things not from God.  The early Christians didn't fit and didn't feel the need to fit.  Neither do I.  I fit with Jesus.  I will fit in Heaven.  I fit where and when people let me be me.  I fit with those who love me without preconceived notions of who I'm supposed to be.  I'll try to do the same with those around me...at least today.  Tomorrow I might fit.