I tell people that this only happens in my life while I'm awake! Some people don't get that and it's okay. I've told people who asked where I live that I live in a state of confusion. Some people don't get that either and it's okay. People hear me say that I live my life in a state of positive discontent. They don't understand and that's okay as well. My life is a mix of analogies that sometimes aren't congruent with Christian life. That too is okay. No one needs to have it all together, have answers for everything, or even be in their "right mind" (whatever that is) in order to be living a Christian life. Some of the dilemmas I encounter in my life are of my own making and some are a result of the purpose and plan of God taking place as they should. We don't always understand the "big picture" that God is bringing about. At least I don't. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the little picture much less the big picture. Sometimes those pictures are confusing as well. Questions have come and gone in my life that haven't been answered and could never be. When I join Jesus in heaven they won't even be remembered. Why? Because all that will matter is worshipping Jesus and eating a sundae with him. Well, maybe not the sundae. But why not?
I'm sitting here in my family room facing the east and looking through my sliding glass doors to the patio and back yard. The huge fir trees partially block the magnificent sunrise happening. It's so bright I can almost feel the heat even though the temp is in the 40's. The trees are so still they seem like monuments. Not a branch is moving as there is no wind and not even a slight breeze. Yet, there is so much going on. Bill, my wild coyote, is lurking somewhere in the back acreage of where I live. The deer are still bedded down somewhere in the thickets that are there as well. The birds aren't up and at the bird feeders but the Robins are busy finding worms and bugs in my lawn. The rhubarb in the garden is growing so fast you can almost see and hear it grow. The blossoms on the fruit trees are popping out so fast it's more like popping corn! And during this brief moment so many other God created events are taking place in my world that I am not able to take them all in. I'm overwhelmed with the creation God has bestowed upon me. I'm confused why so many years of my life were spent living so hard and fast that I missed them.
Sometimes at night I go out in the backyard and look up in the sky at all of the stars. Incredible! My mind begins to wonder what is out there. Eventually I get to that place where I've been stuck since I was a young man. My mind cannot go past where the end of space comes. Where does it all lead? How big is it really? Is heaven out there or somewhere near. Then, because I have ADHD, I begin to wonder about creation and where all of life began. I'm not hung up on the evolving of the world as God has made it to evolve just like he has for mankind. Evolution by Darwin is fake so my mind doesn't go there. However, somewhere in my youth I began to ask the question of where God came from. I know the Bible tells me that He has always existed. Existed where? I'm confused. I'm overwhelmed,. In the end, diversions like these are mere mental exercises subordinate to the knowledge that God is, God created, and God died on the cross so that I might be saved. Wow! Overwhelming grace and confusing mercy for someone like me. It was and is his choice.
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